Thursday, August 04, 2005

Date Test!

About a week and a half ago I participated in one of the most unique experiences of my relatively short life. One day after the Del Close Marathon ended at UCBT, I headed back to be a part of the special Date Test episode of Crash Test. Crash Test is the new free weekly show showcasing alternative standups, and the occasion sketch or short film. Each week it is hosted by Aziz Ansari and a special guest host.

Aziz has made a name for himself recently by popping up everywhere in the alt-comedy scene. I was lucky enough to tech one of his appearances at the Under St. Marks venue a few weeks ago, and I've gotta say this guy is top notch. The way he crafts his jokes is absolutely hysterical, no matter how many times you hear his bits. His co-host on this particular week was UCBT's resident Best Week Ever star, Paul Scheer. A member of long-running UCB house team Respecto Montalban, and quickly becoming more and more recognizable for his VH1 appearances, Scheer is a favorite among UCB frequenters.

About five days before the show, Aziz and Scheer began announcing that this week they were going to set up three blind dates, and invited all men and women to "apply." The application was merely to send in your name, gender, favorite movies and music, and to include your myspace profile. Little did I know that our myspace profiles would be projected on the screen for the audience's pleasure during the show.

With curiosity mostly in mind, I decided to get involved. All three dates were to happen in the UCB green room during the show. Small tables complete with tablecloths, paper goods and Aquafina were set up in three converted closets. The girls were all relatively attractive in their own way, and I was told after the show that I was "the nice guy," with the other two fellas being "hopelessly dorky" and "the suave hunk." This was the gem they set me up with:

Jessica is 24, and moved to New York City one month ago after graduating college in Arizona. We were obviously paired together because we both indicated our favorite movie was Woody Allen's Annie Hall. Well let me tell you, Jessica was no Diane Keaton. She told me her myspace profile showed evidence that she was truely pretentious, being that she listened to obscure bands that few people had heard of, and that she is a member of MENSA. What a goon.

A number of challenges went on for the "daters" throughout the show. The most notable of which was the guys running out the local bodega on 25th & 8th to buy our dates gifts for under five bucks. Jessica had told me she was employed by a health food website that was really against fast food. So I bought her $1.81 worth of sweet potato yams and jello. What's more healthy than that? Answer: Nothing. My date and I also made a tic-tac-toe board out of tongue depressers and glue. The x's and o's were supposed to have a double-meaning. Whatevs.

And the end of the show, the guys were interviewed briefly without the girls present. When asked what the weirdest thing our date said to us was, I mistakenly said that it was that she had told me her myspace is very pretentious. I completely left out the fact that among her numerous ex-boyfriend stories, she told me of one she had with a 35 year-old artist when she was 17 years old. Also absent from my interview was the fact that she had told me that when she had spent the summer a year or two prior, she used to think it was fun to walk down the street and pop blood capsules into her mouth. I think this is when I knew for sure that there would be no second date.

After meeting such an.. um.. interesting person as Jessica, I'm quite fine with being labeled by Aziz and Paul as the "guy who alphabetizes his favorite music on myspace."

Note: More creepy pictures of Jessica from her myspace available upon request.

Also, I added my Netflix queue to the sidebar on the right of the screen. Got an recommendations for me? Let me know!


At 8/06/2005 2:26 PM, Anonymous Jessica said...

Dude, I would LOVE to see more creepy pictures of myself. Please. Oh and can I see at least one good one of you?


At 8/07/2005 6:35 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Zach, why would you go out of your way to try and make this girl feel dumb in your blog? All it does is replace your nice guy image with that of a prick.

At 8/08/2005 3:31 AM, Blogger aziz said...

Yeah, if I was alphabetizing recent things I've seen people do, this would go under D, for 'dick move.' That wasn't that funny, but anyway, I'm disappointed in you Zatch.


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