LiveBlogging: The 2006 Academy Awards

Since I haven't updated much lately, I thought I'd give you a treat and do something a little different. Update this page throughout the night (if you're actually visiting during the Oscar ceremony for some bizarre reason). Yes, I mean you, Rory.

And we're off!

8:00 PM The Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences invites you to the 78th Annual Academy Awards.

8:03 PM Funny bit with announcing different hosts. Mel Gibson mocking himself? I don't believe it. A sense of humor, maybe? But I still say the dude still hates Jews.

8:05 PM Wow, this is quite the majestic and grand jingle to introduce Jon Stewart compared to the rocking They Might Be Giants tune that accompanies The Daily Show opening.

8:11 PM Two great jokes in the monologue. Good Night, and Good Luck and Capote are both films featuring journalists and their relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, they're both period pieces. Steven Speilberg, director of both Schindler's List and Munich, is addressed by Stewart. He speaks for all Jews when he says he "cannot wait to see what happens to us next! Trilogy!" he shouts with crossed fingers.

8:13 PM We all knew it was coming: the gay cowboy montage clip package. Heh, package.

8:14 PM Stewart: "Charlton Heston is cut. The man looks like he's been holding twenty commandments."

8:16 PM Here's Nicole Kidman to present Best Supporting Actor. Already? Holy cow. George Clooney does have the sweet beard in this category, but I gotta give it up to Paul Giamatti. We all know the man was snubbed last year for Sideways, and he always gives a tremendously heartfelt performance. Cinderella Man is no exception. Oh, and William Hurt? Your beard isn't sweet; it's INTENSE and WEIRD.

8:19 PM And the Oscar goes to George Clooney. Goes to show, eating bunches and not shaving will win you awards. He's 1-for-1 so far. Two to go. He pokes fun at himself, though, saying he probably won't win Best Director after getting an acting nod.

8:27 PM Ben Stiller looks like Kermit the Frog in that fucking suit. Great reaction from Speilberg. Stiller says "This is blowing Speilberg's mind. Camera cuts to Speilberg and he shakes his head and mouths "No, it's not." Hilarious.

8:35 PM The bow ties are OUT OF CONTROL on the Wallace & Gromit guys, and they cap it off by putting little bow ties on their newly won statuettes!

8:44 PM Shit, I just ran out of french fries. I need a new snack. And we're back from commercial! I had no idea that Bottle Rocket was originally a live action short. Where do you go to see these nominated live action shorts. I don't think I've ever seen a live action short. What the hell is a live action short? Eh, fuck this, Owen and Luke Wilson are awesome.

8:58 PM So apparently to keep the acceptance speeches to a minimum, they've actually decided to have the pit orchestra start playing music at the beginning of every speech and have it vamp throughout. That is fucking annoying. Shut up. If there's one way to keep me tuned in, however, it's to tell me that Will Ferrell and Steve Carell are coming up next. Can't wait to see what those two knuckleheads pull together. They're presenting Best Makeup, and they're both done up to look equally horrible. Narnia, Cinderella Man, and Star Wars, in its only nominated category, are the nominees. And it goes to Narnia - Star Wars is completely and utterly shafted! Take that, Sith!

9:02 PM Morgan Freeman to present Best Supporting Actress. Junebug was truly a fantastic and underrated film, so I guess I should pull for Amy Adams here. We all know Catherine Keener gave the better performance in 40-Year-Old Virgin rather than Capote. My preduction is Michelle Williams in the hee-haw flick. But I think out of all the "big awards," this is the one people care about least. I don't hear people talking about the great Best Supporting Actresses of Oscar past. It goes to Rachel Weisz for The Constant Gardener. Eh, whatevs.

9:17 PM Stephen Colbert is doing a great VO on a parody piece for the Best Actress category. There are several of these, very funny and refreshing. Dame Pruella Von Chadwickton and other funny-named Dames speak out against Judi Dench's Dameness in one of them. The are all real Daily Show humor style. This is what I watched the Oscars for: a four hour version of what I see every Monday through Thursday.

9:20 PM March of the Penguins wins Best Documentary, and all the French dudes come on the stage with enormous stuffed penguins. As they're leaving, J-Lo nearly crashes right into them. She looks repulsive, by the way. She might as well have come out with Ferrell and Carell to demonstrate makeup. Her face looks like a plastic box. Yikes.

9:43 PM Wow, Itzhak Perelman making a surprise guest appearance, but no close up of him. Is he hideously ugly or something? He's nothing more than a speck on the screen. Or maybe that's the point?

9:47 PM There it is! Brokeback Mountain wins its first of twenty-million Oscars for Best Original Score.

9:49 PM So far we've seen Best Picture clips from and Munich, Good Night, and Good Luck, and Capote. It's all downhill from here, folks.

9:57 PM Stewart: "I can't wait until Hollywood's Salute to Montages." Poking fun at the absurdity of showing a ridiculous amount of film clips to pad the show. Nice one.

10:02 PM Jack Nicholson gives a wolf whistle for Meryl Streep. Enjoy that front row seat, Jack.

10:13 PM Here's the premiere of that commercial for _ I heard about with M. Night Shyamalan parody-ing himself. Must've been a minute-long spot. Very clever.

10:29 PM Here we go, the highly anticipated "In Memoriam" montage. Lots of love for Pat Morita, Vincent Schiavelli, Sandra Dee, Stu Linder (WTF!), Shelley Winters, Anne Bancroft, and Richard Pryor.

10:40 PM Stewart: "For those of you keeping score at home, Martin Scorcese: no Oscars, Three-Six Mafia: one." Brilliant.

10:43 PM Here we go, folks. It's Best Actor Time. Jon Stewart proclaimed Philip Seymour Hoffman "world's greatest actor" on The Daily Show a few months ago. He better fucking win. My pick is Strathairn for Good Night, and Good Luck, but he doesn't stand a chance against the big boys like Ledger, Phoenix, and Hoffman. PSH wins (Hah! Psshhhhhh..) Deserved. One of the best film performances in decades.

10:55 PM Jamie Foxx out to present Best Actress. Judi Dench, Charlize Theron, Keira Knightly, Felicity Huffman and Reese Witherspoon are the nominees. Filliam H. Muffman (as per Colbert) should take this, but it's possible Reese could snag it, too, and we all know Dame Dench could win an award for sitting on a toilet for five minutes. Reese takes it, probably stealing it from Muffman. I just realized as she was walking up to the stage to accept that "Walk the Line" sounds very, very similar to that old synagogue tune "Oseh Shalom." Eh, Jews, am I right?

11:06 PM Here's one of my favorite actors (Dustin Hoffman) to present one of my favorite categories (Adapted Screenplay). Brokeback Mountain takes it. Futterman (Capote) was snubbed.

11:10 PM Uma Poopface (yeah, I just made that up, I am amazing) presenting Original Screenplay. This is probably my favorite category, and Noah Baumbach should take it for The Squid and the Whale. It was the best film of the year, IMHO. Crash wins, because Hollywood loooves to be diverse and edgy. Yawn.

11:16 PM Ang Lee is funny looking.

11:21 PM Here comes Jack. And the winner is... Whoa. Take that, Brokeback Mountain! Heath Ledger just shat himself. Everybody is freaking the fuck out. Crash.

11:28 PM Goodnight, everybody! Be safe! Watch Jimmel Kimmel! (pshhhhh)